As I get older – and older – the more often that line from Milton comes to me “They also serve who only stand and wait”.
I have never been a go-getter, a leader, an innovator or an adventurer. There were times when I liked to think I was, but no, in my essence, I’m not. I am one who stands and waits. Yet I have so often been thrust into things kicking and screaming and begging to be left alone.
This is my honest feeling about embarking on this Post Grad course. The most difficult part for me is the practical bit. I am pathologically afraid of being observed and judged. I have confronted this fear many times and it is still something I try to avoid at all costs. Far from feeling pumped up and buzzing when I’ve done it, my overwhelming feeling is one of indescribable relief that it is over and I vow never to do it again. But again and again I have been cajoled into doing it and the weeks and months leading up to it are nothing short of mental torture. Why do I do this? I will happily do research and write up essays and reports in my own time and alone at my desk. But oh dear, how am I going to get the practical component done? I already wake at night panicking about it and wondering if I should cancel the whole thing.